I'm having a moment (or a day) of self pity and I just need to unload a bit. I'm pretty skilled at pretending to be OK. But not today
Between the ascites, edema and atrophy, every time I look in the mirror I am so grossed out by what I see. I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I can't even be touched without wincing in pain. I have had this drug resistant UTI for 2 or more years, I keep Lactulose in the house for fear of having an accident. Almost all the things on my list of reasons to live have been eliminated by my failing health or by the medications to treat it.
I'm tired beyond anything someone who has never experienced the type of fatigue having MS and a barely functioning liver causes. I feel like depression is going to get to me any minute and because I've been there before I am terrified and feel helpless just laying here waiting for it.
I'm finding it almost impossible to muster even a single happy thought. I'm not the type to feel sorry for myself but the recent Alpha-1 antitrypsin deficiency diagnosis and the the thought of having passed this fate along to my kids is so hard to accept, even worse than being told I'm terminal....the thought of my kids going thru what I'm dealing with health wise is just too much for me today.
Knowing I'll never have another relationship is also getting to me. I spent a lifetime trying to fall in love and live happily ever after and now I feel cheated and sad and I just want to sleep for a few months. I hope I can snap out of this 'poor me' shit. It isn't like me and it it makes me hate myself even more. I'll shut up now and go back to sleep. Hopefully I'll wake up in a better state of mind — feeling fantastic.