Posted anonymously with the author's consent

Trying to sleep. My legs ache, my mind is running on the anxiety hamster wheel, i just don't feel good.

Thinking about what kind of home and life I want.

I want the only people who walk in these doors to be the safe kind. I want to sing barefoot in the kitchen while I cook mediocre dinners because that's the best I know how. I never want a man to yell at me because the floors aren't clean enough and the laundry isn't finished. I want art, and poetry, and music, and so much love you feel it the instant you come to visit.

My kiddo is tween-age, the hardest years. She has had some extra hard stuff, and the last few days were especially challenging. I want home to be a place where she can take her armor off, know these walls will protect her, that her momma bear will protect her, that she's safe -- even if sometimes that means melting down -- because this is the one place she won't be judged. It's exhausting to carry this for her, but I'll do it in a heartbeat.

I'm not a hard mom, or a strict mom. I don't want to be the boss I want to be a guide. I truly want her to feel free to say how she feels, learn to determine what she needs, so she can ask for help and know how to accept it. Its been 40 years and I'm barely learning that stuff. I want only partnerships, with any relationships I have. Equals, listening, learning, building. Family, friends, everyone. That's what I want her to see as an example.

I want this old man dog of mine to remember how to pee outside, but I think that one's a lost cause. I'll have to keep mopping daily, light extra candles to help scent the place, and still tell him he's the goodest boy, because he's eleven hundred and seven or something and he loves me the most in the world. And that's something.

I just want easy peasy, love and light, deep breaths. Because I have so//many//things in my life that are too hard. Single motherhood, broke always, chronically ill, etc and etc to infinity. I need the other stuff surrounding me to be happy. I can't fix it all. But I can try, every day, to build a beautiful life. So, that's what I'll keep trying to do.

I appreciate --- so much, you guys have no idea --- the messages and support I've had from so many this past week. Knowing that when I'm needy, needing help with rides and all that, that I have this many people willing to catch me and be there? It really boosted my heart. So, thank you. Asking for help it's the hardest thing that exists for me.

No school tomorrow so it's sleep in, thank heck. Gonna drink more sleepy time tea, put the CBD cream on my legs again, pray to the stars that sleep will pour over me.