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Reflections on the death of my husband

My husband passed away Tuesday a little after midnight. He was only 34. I hate this disease and addiction so much. We have 3 little boys, all were so close with their daddy. Especially our 9 year old. Thankfully we were able to get him home from the hospital so he could pass in our bed with all of us.

I wasn’t prepared for how it would be the moment he went. He looked so afraid. He hadn’t been able to communicate with me all that day. He was just looking at the room and making this moaning noise. All of a sudden he looked directly at me in my eyes like he knew it was me and then his look changed to complete panic.

He tensed up and even sat up in bed struggling to breathe. I just held him and looked in his eyes and told him it was going to be ok. Then his body started to go soft and he laid back down and was still breathing for a couple minutes, then he was gone. It was strange though the moment he passed I felt this overwhelming calm, almost like a euphoria, it was completely different to how I was feeling or have felt since. I ended up falling asleep on him for a little while.

We just laid with him for a few hours until they took him away. Watching them wrap him up in plastic and cover up his face is something I don’t ever think I will get over. I went to the funeral home yesterday. We are going to have a viewing on May 13 then we are going to have him cremated so we can take him back to Mexico.

He has this family ranch there and it had been his and our sons dream to go down there and live and raise animals. He just didn’t make it. I know that is where he will be the happiest. I feel like I will never be able to be happy again and I have no idea how I’m going to survive this. I know I have to for my boys but the grief is too much. The only time I get any relief is when I’m sleeping.

Thank you all so much for all your support. This group helped me a lot

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